The Makings of a Godly Wife Pt. 2

"Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled." Titus 2:3-5

Today we're going to look at verse 4, "and so train the young women to love their husbands and children,". This may seem silly. Why would we need to be trained to love our husbands and children? Doesn't this come naturally? Well, yes and no. A self-centered kind of love, based on 'what can you do for me', and warm fuzzies is natural. However, godly love, that is sacrificial is not so natural.

"to love their husbands..." Paul is not just talking about romantic love here, although that is very important as well! He is talking about a friendship kind of love. You should be your husband's best friend, and he should be yours. That's right. Sis down the street shouldn't be your best friend, your husband should be. How? Well, the simple answer is to take an interest in the things he likes.

"But, but, he likes fishing! Football! Mechanics!"

Yes, often our husbands like things that we don't. They like things that we don't understand, and within ourselves don't care to learn about. However, we are to love them in a friendship kind of way, and so, that means being with him and being interested in what he is interested in. We are to be one flesh with our husband. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." Genesis 2:24 (emphasis mine) This is more than just the physical aspect of marriage, we are to be one. That means in life purpose, physically, and spiritually.

If you take the time to learn about his favorite sport, or agree to do something with him that he loves, he will appreciate it so much. Be willing, be agreeable - don't do this in a grudging way. If he likes to work on cars, ask if you can help by handing him tools or bringing him a tall glass of tea or lemonade and a plate of cookies. Show him that you enjoy his company and that you desire to be around him, and be enjoyable to be around yourself! It is ideal if you were good or best friends before you were married, but if not, you can start now: today. It might take some real effort - you might have a big learning curve, but if you make the effort, he will notice.

Maybe your husband isn't interested in any of the things that you are. It might be difficult to maintain a good attitude if you're making an effort and he's not. But, the scripture says for the wife to love her husband - you have to be concerned with your responsibility before the Lord, and not concern yourself with his responsibility. Pray and ask the Lord to enable you to keep your eyes on Him. Concentrate on this as service to the Lord. "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men." Colossians 3:23 Interestingly, this verse is in a section that is labeled as "Rules for Christian Households" in my Bible. If you find it difficult to be your husband's friend, do it anyway, and do it "as for the Lord" with a cheerful attitude.

"to love their...children" This too is a friendly kind of love. While I don't think we should be worried about being our children's "friend", we should enjoy being around them and we should have a close relationship with them. Our society would tell us that we should be their friend, and so, we should not discipline them, or really, act in any sort of "parental" way. This is foolishness. Of course we should act like their parent! That is what we are. They have one Daddy and one Mama, and that is what they need you to be. You need to have clearly defined lines of order, however that does not negate a close, loving relationship. Discipling - which includes discipline - will build close ties. We need to spend time with our children. The quality vs. quantity debate is a bunch of bunk! Quantity is quality. When they're little, take time and just sit and read books to them. Tell them stories of when you were little or stories that you have made up. Sing to them; play. As they begin to get bigger, begin to incorporate them into the things you're doing. Even little children can help. A toddler can begin helping in the kitchen by unloading the dishwasher. Mine begin with unloading silverware, which they hand to me so I can put it away in the drawer. As they get bigger, there are more and more things they can do. They can do many things as long as we are working alongside them, teaching. Don't just work with your children though, it's important to have fun with them. Play wiffle ball, pick flowers, have a picnic, go horseback riding, sing, read, just be silly once in a while. As we work and play alongside of our children, we will build ties that are not easily broken; and they will learn the value of relationship.

Part of loving them that parents seem to have a difficult time with is discipline. Scripture is clear that children need discipline. "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him." Proverbs 13:24
"Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives is far from him." Proverbs 22:15
"Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol." Proverbs 23:13
These are just a few verses that speak to the importance of disciplining your children. One of the things that is important to remember, and hard to be consistent with is that they need you to be on top of things. They need to be disciplined the first time they are disobedient. We were recently at the Christian Heritage Homeschoolers conference and one of the speakers was saying that, "Mom, it's not disobedience once you're angry, it's disobedience the first time they disobey." That really hit home for me. I had gotten lazy in my discipline, and I would get after them and get after them until I was upset, and then I would discipline. By that time, I am being disobedient to the Word of God myself. So, the first time your child is disobedient, get up, and discipline. It takes effort; it means that I am loving my child more than I am loving myself. I desire for them to grow and be godly individuals. I want them to be people that others enjoy being around. If they are wild, and disobedient, neither of those goals are attainable. And, if they are disobedient to you, you can't teach them anything.

It is easiest to start the process before they are even a year old, but even if your children are older; it's not too late. I have found that my older children respond well to change - as long as I explain to them what is going on. When we came home from the conference, I explained to my children that I hadn't been discipling them in a godly way, and that from that point on they would be required to obey the first time they were told something, or they would be chastised. If I have to discipline them, I sit down with them and ask them if they know how they have been disobedient. We talk about the scriptural principle involved (honor others more highly than yourself, children obey your parents, encourage one another, etc.), and how they have broken it, and then the discipline is administered. Then we work on restoration. We will pray, we might talk some more, we will hug and get back to our normal activities. It is important that justice be swift. It's all a matter of training. We train them not to listen to us, by not expecting first time obedience. They know just how many times they can disobey before you've had it. Isn't it better - isn't it more loving to expect them to obey you the first time?

Both of these loves can be strenuous! It is not easy to love someone in a truely godly way. It means that we have to be willing to sacrifice, to place others above ourselves. It means that I may not have time to do some of the things that I want to do. It means that I may have to put something aside to take care of a husband or children. However, the rewards for doing things God's way are innumerable!

The Makings of a Godly Wife Pt. 1

Of late, I have been thinking (a lot!) and reading about courtship. Our sons are getting closer to that stage of life, and I have some researching to do. This has led to me also thinking about what makes a girl a good candidate for courtship and further, what makes a godly wife. The answer is probably (or should be) obvious: godly character.

Let's start in Titus and look specifically at godly characteristics as they are given for wives. I am going to try to put some "feet" to this, and not just write about principles in general, but to show some practical application. Obviously, I am not going to hit on every aspect, but hopefully, it will be food for thought and a springboard for further conversation and application.

"Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled." Titus 2:3-5 ESV

We are used to reading this passage in context of what older women should be doing, but it speaks to every woman, not just the older ones. Implicit in the passage is that a godly wife must be teachable. If we are not, then it doesn't do any good to tell the older women to teach, because who would learn? So, we must have a tender heart, a desire to grow in godliness, and a willingness to listen to and learn from those further down the path.

Although speaking directly to older women in verse 3, I believe that younger women should also strive for being "reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine." The King James says, "The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things." v. 3 Reverence in behavior, or behavior that becometh holiness, means that her behavior is proper, and appropriate; showing that she is holy and set apart for God. I Peter 3 speaks of "respectful and pure conduct" v.2 ESV and "but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." v.4 ESV But what does that look like? Specifically in reference to being a wife. Again, I think I Peter gives us some great insight. "For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. Any you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening." v.5&6 ESV (emphasis mine) Wow. I feel like this is the first time I've ever read that. Do not fear anything that is frightening. Sarah obeyed Abraham in saying that she was his sister. Because of that, she was taken into two different men's households. How frightening that must have been - lots of unknowns. And yet, God protected her, and honored her submission to her husband. Am I willing to be submissive to my husband even when I think or know that he's wrong? Or, am I going to justify my stiff-necked rebellion against his leadership? Am I willing to trust God to undertake for me in those situations? Reverent behavior would be submission to my husband, and trust in God.

Other practical ways of showing reverent behavior would be: I am not going to talk over my husband when he is speaking. I am not going to correct him on minor details when he's telling a story, just for the sake of correcting; it shows disrespect to my husband, and it makes others uncomfortable. I am going to be reserved in giving my opinion. I don't really need to let my opinion on everything be known. This would apply in all kinds of areas from conversation with my beloved to Sunday School. I am not going to speak poorly of my husband to others, again this is disrespectful, and it is not appropriate. I will make an effort to speak well of him - genuinely - I'm not going to make up good things to say.

I am going to dress modestly. To be dressed modestly does not mean that I am dowdy or frumpy looking. It also does not mean that I am dressed androgenously - I should be easily recognized as a woman. I still need to be attractive for my beloved. However, my dress should not attract attention to myself. I am a child of the King and a married woman, so I am not going to dress in a way that is going to draw sexual attention from other men.

Reverent behavior can probably be summed up with the word: self-control.

"not slanderers", or "not false accusers" The godly woman is not a gossip - she doesn't carry tales from one person to the next. I was recently reminded that we don't need to be the ones carrying the tales to be guilty of gossip. We might never be the ones to say something, but if we enjoy hearing the tales others tell, and give them our rapt attention, we are just as guilty. "A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends." Proverbs 16:28 ESV A godly wife would not want to be known as dishonest, or as one who is always keeping things stirred up.

"..or slaves to much wine" or "not given to much wine" She is not a slave to much wine, or given to much wine. While fully acknowledging the varying views on drinking, I do not believe that the scriptures prohibit it. The text says she is not a slave to much wine. She is not to be a drunkard. The godly woman should not be relying on a manmade substance to dull her senses. I believe that this same principle can be applied to drugs as well; both legal and illegal. I believe that today, the problem of prescription drugs, particularly anti-depressants is more of a problem in the church than alcohol. Many, many women who would never let alcohol pass their lips have no problem with taking a drug that dulls their senses, and makes their problems seem smaller, in much the same way as an alcoholic. Where is the difference? I am not saying that women are not dealing with real problems, but why are we not turning to the Lord? Where are we drawing our strength from? Is God not sufficient?

A godly woman is to be a teacher of good. This means that she teaches what is right. The text goes on to tell us what she should be teaching the younger women, but a godly wife also needs to keep this in mind as God blesses her with children. As a Mama, I need to teach my children what is right - that means I must know the Scriptures myself. As a parent, I have been charged by God with the discipling of my children. This is all-encompassing. They need to be with me for me to be able to disciple them. If they are gone for 8 or more hours 5 days a week, who is disicpling them? "A disciple is not above his teacher, but everyone when he is fully trained will be like his teacher." Luke 6:40 ESV I need to be especially careful, as a Mama, who I allow to be a teacher in my children's life. Not only who is teaching them, but what. What they read, listen to and watch will all teach them. Are they being taught good? Is it scriptural? It is of utmost importance to teach our children well. We are to raise up a godly children. "Did He not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth." Malachi 2:15 ESV (emphasis mine) We have a serious charge to teach what is good. And if we fail with our own children, what do we have to offer younger women later? Teaching born from grief and regret, instead of the grace and wisdom that comes from doing well.

I'm Back!

I can't believe that it's been over a month since I wrote here! Where does the time go? We have been busy with driver's ed (done now, YEA!!), attended a homeschooling conference in Seattle, and have been spending a lot of time fencing and cleaning outside. In addition to our normal activities.

The homeschooling conference was incredibly encouraging, and I have a lot of different things that I'm working on and implementing. One of those being (again) trying to be more organized! This is an ongoing battle for me. Hopefully, that will also mean that as I get more organized, I will have more time to blog.

Pray For Your Beloved ~ Sacrificial Love

This week, we're going to pray for our husband to love us. I have often wondered at Scripture instructing husbands to love their wives. Why would it state what would seem to be obvious? Well, maybe it's not as obvious as it should be, or perhaps godly love is not so naturally attained. We will discuss and pray about the passionate love later, but this week we are focusing on sacrificial love.

Scripture gives specific instruction to husbands on loving their wives, but as I was reading through various verses, I was impressed with the example that God gives husbands in Joseph. The Gospel of Matthew gives us an account of this amazing man. "And her husband Joseph, being a just man and unwilling to put her to shame, resolved to divorce her quietly. But as he considered these things, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, 'Joseph, son of David, do not fear to take Mary as your wife, for that which is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit'...When Joseph woke from sleep, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded him: he took his wife, but knew her not until she had given birth to a son. And he called his name Jesus." Matthew 1:19-20, 24-25 ESV. What a testimony of sacrificial love! Here is a man who must have felt betrayed and deeply wounded when he found out that Mary was with child, and yet he didn't want to bring shame upon her. Once God had made His plan apparent to Joseph, he willingly took Mary for his wife, and "knew her not" until after the baby was born. Now that's sacrificial love! He was married without the physical benefits of the sexual relationship for the duration of her pregnancy, plus the 33 days of purification after the birth of the baby (see Lev. 12:4).

God intends for the husband/wife relationship to be a model of the relationship between Christ and the church. Christ loves His church sacrificially, having given up His life for her. This is how God wants men to love their wives. "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish." Ephesians 5:25-27 ESV

I think it is not an easy task for our husbands. I know that often I am not very loveable, and yet, that is what he is called to do. He is to love me in a way that sanctifies me; in a way that shows the world what Christ's love looks like. What an awesome responsibility!

Perhaps it is made easier for them if we fulfill our responsibility to be submissive and honoring to them. If we graciously accept the place God has given us, as co-heirs of grace ~ yes; but following joyfully, embracing our role as his helpmeet. "Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are co-heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." 1 Peter 3:7 ESV

I will gently remind you at this point, that this is not about *you*. The point of this week's prayer is not to cause you to be discontent. Nor is it for you to suggest to him how he might behave, or just plain nag at him. Our desire should be to see our husband become more Christ-like, for God's glory and for his good. We will benefit, that's true, but that is a blessed side effect, not the purpose. So lift him before the Throne of Grace, fully believing that God will draw him to Himself, and refine him further into the image of Christ.

Who Are You?

I love being my husband's wife! I am honored when people make the connection of who I am.
"Oh, you're Coach Dole's wife."
"You must be Mrs. Dole"
"Are you Charles' wife?"

I have heard women lament "losing" their identity when they got married. I don't think that we "lose" our identity when we marry, but what if we do? The Bible gives us the "one flesh" mandate in Genesis. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." Gen. 2:24 ESV That entails a whole lot more than the sexual relationship. We should be one in purpose, vision, flesh, spiritually, ~ everything.

My Beloved works at the local grocery store. They have a stock clerk who can never remember my name, so she calls me Mrs. Charles. She always apologizes, but I love it! It is who I am. Other than being known as a child of God, the best thing I can be known as is the wife of my Beloved! Is he a perfect man? By no means. In fact, he has plenty of faults. ;-) But, he is the one I was created for, and he loves me - with all my ugliness. I decided a long time ago that God called me to be a wife and mother. If that is all I am known as, then so be it. I love it when young people come up to me, and say, "You're Coach Dole's wife, aren't you?" or, "Are you Will/Levi/Garth's mom?" These are my God-given responsibilities and priviledge! That is my identity. Being your husband's wife is your identity - embrace it!

Marriage is to be a model of Christ and the church. Should the church want an identity separate from that of her Lord? If she isn't easily identified as Christ's bride, then what is she? Nothing. In the same way, what am I if I am not easily identified as my Beloved's bride?

I am an extension of him and his household. The things I do should reflect positively on him. People should know that if I am involved in something, my Beloved has given his blessing, and by proxy he is involved as well.

So, today I ask you, "Who are you?"

Moondance Monday

"Well, it's a marvelous night for a Moondance,
With the stars up above in your eyes
A fantabulous night to make romance..."
Van Morrison, 1970 Caledonia Soul Music

Initiate, dear sisters! Are you a wife who initiates love making with her husband, or is it always up to him to initiate intimacy? Surprise him tonight, and get things started. There are many and various ways to go about it. You know your husband, and so, you should know what would get his "motor runnin'", so to speak.

Some ideas might be:
*Put on some sexy stockings under your everyday dress/skirt and give him a glimpse now and then throughout the evening.
*Whisper sweet somethings into his ear, giving him a preview of things to come.
*Give him a neck and shoulder rub, hinting that it's "just the beginning".
*Slip him a love note as he walks in the door.
*Get into bed before him, and be waiting...with an inviting smile on.
*When he walks in from work, ask him if he has a few minutes. Tell him you have something you need to talk over with him in private ~ then have a quick session of lovemaking.
*Set up a "code" word or phrase that will signal to him that he has something to look forward to at bedtime. Men enjoy knowing that they are definitely going to be making love *tonight* (or this morning, this afternoon, or whenever), and if they can talk about it in an un-obvious way, it's even better.

Enjoy!

Pray for Your Beloved ~ Leadership

This week we are praying for our husband's leadership abilities. God expects His sons to be leaders. They are to take the lead at home, in the church, and at work. They are not necessarily going to be *in the lead* in all those areas, but to be kept from being led astray, they should have the qualities of a leader.

In Genesis, we have the dominion mandate, "And God blessed them. And God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.'" Genesis 1:28 From the beginning, God has expected His sons to take dominion. Webster's 1828 dictionary defines dominion as: "1. Sovereign or supreme authority; the power of governing and controlling. 2. Power to direct, control, use and dispose of at pleasure; right of possession and use without being accountable; as the private dominion of individuals." Telling man to take dominion was another way of saying, "Be a leader."

At home, God expects men to lead. This is clear from the order given to us in Scripture. 1 Corinthians 11:3 tells us, "But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God."; and Ephesians 5:22-23, "Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior." The "head" of the wife is her husband. He is to lead her, and that is difficult to do if he's following from behind. He is not only to lead his wife, he is to lead his children as well. Psalm 78:5-7 says, "He established a testimony in Jacob and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers to teach to their children, that the next generation might know them, the children yet unborn, and arise and tell them to their children," and Ephesians 6:4, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." God speaks directly to the fathers in the teaching of the children. Even if Daddy cannot be there to physically teach, he should be the one who is directing the education of the children.

We also need to pray for them to be leaders at work. For instance, where my Beloved works, there are only a few Christians, and so it can be difficult for him to stand firm. Not because he is especially weak, but because he is a sinful human, and we often sink to the lowest common denominator. I make it a practice to pray for him regularly to be a godly man, to be a witness to those at work, and for people to notice a difference in him and the way he lives. These are all a part of being a leader and not a follower. I want to encourage you to pray with confidence! These are prayers that God will answer. Although my Beloved does stumble, he is known as someone who people can go to when they are having problems. If they are short of money, and need groceries or gas, they know that they can go to him, and if he can, he will help them. He is a man of "good repute." While his personality plays into this, I believe that much of it is God's faithful answer to a wife's humble prayer.

May God bless you as you lift your husband before Him this week.

Scripture references taken from The English Standard Version