Dealing with Disappointment

How do you deal with disappointment in your husband? Last week, my Beloved came home in the middle of the day. When he came in, he said, "We need to talk."

I don't know about you, but when I hear those words, the first thing I do is start to think of all the things I could have possibly done that would be earth shattering. Then I always think that he's lost his job (long story - maybe I'll tell it someday.) Anyway, those words in that tone always make me feel sick to my stomach.

Well, he had made a really bad decision and was demoted at work. He also received a suspension. He really didn't want to tell me, because he knew I would be angry. But you know what? I wasn't. I was really disappointed in him, but I wasn't angry.

As wives, how do we handle it? We have tremendous power to either totally crush our husband, or to build him up, and enable him to feel like a loved man, even when they are less than perfect (and aren't we all?).

We spent some time just sitting in silence (I was wanting to weigh my words very carefully before I said them), and we spent some time talking - about the different aspects of the situation. I did gently remind him that as a husband and daddy, he no longer makes decisions just for himself. We are all affected by any decision he makes. I also spent time just letting him know that I still love him, and I am supportive of him.

When our husband's do something that disappoints us, we have a decision to make. We can be angry and punish them - either by silence, or by ranting and raving, and reminding them of every other thing they've ever did that was wrong; or we can take it in stride, and love them, and be supportive. Don't misunderstand me. I am not suggesting that we ignore whatever it was, or that we excuse them from the responsibility of the decisions they have made. But, I am suggesting that we extend grace.

Your husband is who you were created for. What a beautiful thought! How wonderful is our God? You are the created helpmeet for your beloved. In disappointment, that means looking at the whole of who he is. "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

For me, that means that I think about who he was. My Beloved did not have the priviledge of growing up in a Christian home. In fact, his home was pretty disfunctional. God has brought him so far in the almost 18 years that we have been married, he has grown and changed so much. I look at who he is now. He is a respected man in our community. People know that if they are in need, he will give them the shirt off his back if it will be of help to them. He loves God, and although he is still a sinful man, he desires to be godly. He is a good and honorable man. He made a mistake. Do I define him by that mistake? Do any of us want to be defined by our mistakes? I don't. This is part of the beauty of Christ. We are not defined by our mistakes, we are not even defined by who we are. We are defined by His perfection. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away, the new has come." 2 Cor. 5:17

I have chosen to stand beside my husband. To love him in spite of his faults, because, praise God, he loves me in spite of mine. To be supportive of him, and to be his cheerleader. I could easily make him feel like a complete failure, but he is not. So, I choose to let him know how much I love him, how wonderful I think he is, what a good provider he is for his family. I choose to remind him of God's grace in His life, and how God has grown and changed him. I choose to build him up, because it enables him to be the man that God would have him be. I also choose to pray for him. What a priviledge to pray for this precious man that is my beloved husband.

I choose to look at this situation as God's providence in our lives. God has, in His sovereignty brought us along this path. I don't know or understand why, but it is enough to know that God has ordered these steps, as difficult as they are.

I have used the word "choose" a lot. But that it because it is all choice. Even if I was just reacting, I would be choosing by omission. We can't get away from our responsibility to be loving, supportive helpmeets, even when it's difficult. May God give you the grace and wisdom to love your husband in the way he needs.

"A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones." Proverbs 12:4

How I long to be a virtuous woman! I desire to be a crown to my Beloved, but I am ashamed to say, that scripturally speaking, I think I'm too often as rottenness to his bones.

We were shopping yesterday, and since my Beloved was shopping for a Christmas present for a co-worker, I decided to go to a different department and get some things for the church. I told him where I was going, and honestly thought he would be where I left him when I was done. I got what I needed and headed back to him. He and the children were no where to be found. I walked and walked, looking for them. Big store, lots of people doing their Christmas shopping, and I can't find my family. Finally, I hear my son calling me. They had already gotten checked out. I was so angry. I put down my things, walked over to my Beloved, and let him know just how unhappy I was. He offered to buy my items, but I told him to just forget it, and then I stormed out of the store and went to stand beside the van.

All evening and today I have been haunted by those actions. Who watching me would have known that I adore my husband? Who would have thought that I honor and submit to him? No one. I shamed him in public. I was rottenness to his bones.

So often, I have it down pretty good. I submit fairly easily, I strive to honor him and show him respect in my actions and words. But then there are the times my flesh gets in the way, and is it ever ugly. I praise God for His grace and forgiveness. I thank Him for giving me such a good man, who is willing to put up with me, even when it would be easier to just walk away.

Why share this story? Well, because I am going to be talking a lot about ideals, and encouraging you toward them. But, I also want you to know that I don't have it down perfectly; I have not yet arrived, I'm still striving myself. And hopefully, you will learn from the mistakes I make. How much better last night if I would have graciously accepted my Beloved's offer to buy my things, and laughed off our miscommunication. It would have set my children at ease, instead of making them feel uncomfortable, it would have made my Beloved feel honored and loved, and it may have spoken volumes to anyone nearby that heard what had happened. I pray that the next time I will choose the godly way of reacting instead of my way.