Sunday, September 23, 2007

A Journey of Blessings

Well, I am so excited to be able to tell you that God has chosen to bless us with another covenant child! Sometime in mid-May, shortly before Josiah's 2d birthday, Baby Dole will make his or her arrival.

Although each child is dear and precious to us, since 1999, each child is not only a blessing, but a beautiful reminder to us of God's forgiveness and grace. Why? Because after Logan was born in 1996, we decided we were done with God's blessings. We had enough, thank you very much. And so Mike chose to surgically break his body and cut us off from the blessings of God. I was heart-broken almost immediately, and honestly, did not handle the next few years very well. I was angry at myself for not communicating better with Mike, I was angry at Mike for not picking up on my "hints" that I wasn't ready to do something permanent, and I was angry at God for not stopping him. The next 2 years were a very stressful time in our marriage. I was resentful and angry at Mike most of the time (it's probably a miracle we're still married!).

I kept a journal sporadically during that time, and I remember at the beginning of 1999, I was reading entries in my journal from almost 2 years before. I sat in my chair and cried out to God, "Why am I still in the same place that I was then? Why haven't I been able to move forward?" It was like God placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "Because child, you are angry and resentful. You've been in sin for 2 years." I cried, I repented, and I resolved to move forward. However, I had come to the place where I was convinced that not only had I been in sin, but by taking our fertility in our own hands, Mike was in sin as well.

So, after much prayer, I went to Mike. I confessed my sin to him, I asked for his forgiveness, and was able to talk calmly about his reasons for wanting to not have more children, and I shared with him my conviction that God is the One who opens and closes the womb. I asked him to pray about whether God would have him go through reversal surgery or whether things were as they should be. I would do whatever I had to to live joyfully with his decision. Within about 2 weeks, Mike came to me and said that he believed God would have us right our wrong by going through a reversal.

In March of 1999, Mike had his reversal, and in December of that year we conceived Kathleen. I cannot tell you the feeling of forgiveness that came over me when I discovered I was expecting! I *knew* I was forgiven before that, but I *felt* forgiven then. Since then Laura Anne has been added to our family and Tucker was born and died, and Josiah has added joy to our lives. We have also lost 3 children to miscarriage. So much joy, but so much heartache as well. We have grown so much closer to the Lord through the heartache, and we would have cheated ourselves of that. I praise God that He doesn't give up on us. When we step out in disobedience to His revealed Word, He pulls us back into line, and draws us more closely to Himself.

If you have never turned your fertility over to the Lordship of Jesus Christ, I challenge you to look into scripture and see what God has to say about the womb, the fruit of the womb, and who's in control. It's a wild ride! Are you up to it?


Shanna said...


How wonderful to hear that you are receiving another blessing!!!! Praise the Lord!!!

Grace Mischenko said...

Congratulations, Tracy! I don't know if you remember me or not, but I do still belong to the PW's, and think of several of you frequently. God bless you...Grace in Alaska