Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Live Like You Were Dyin'

I have been reminded recently (once again), about the brevity of life. An email aquaintance lost her husband. He leaves behind his wife and 6 children. As I have grieved for her, I have also spent a good amount of time thanking God for the wonderful husband and companion that He has blessed me with.

As I prepare for his return each afternoon, I wonder what it would be like to know that he will never again come through the front door. As I lay in bed, I wonder what it would be like to climb the stairs at night, knowing that he would never again lay by my side. As I snuggle into his pillow each morning after he leaves, I contemplate whether I would have the courage to wash the sheets, and lose his scent. I also have thought about our relationship, and how I treat him.

Does he know how much I adore him? Does he know that I cherish each moment that we have? I'm sure there are times when I do well ~ perhaps even excel at communicating to him how deeply I love and admire him. I also know that there are too many times that I allow my circumstances and attitude to affect how I speak to him or treat him ~ and at those times I fail miserably.

Case in point: Yesterday my Beloved went to town ahead of us. His rig has some front end problems, and he needed to take it in and get it worked on. I was to follow in the van after his paycheck was ready. Our two oldest boys had been at my folks' house, and so I had to go out there to pick up Levi. Well, almost to the top of their drive, I got stuck. Not only was I stuck, but I couldn't even get out of the van, because if I took my foot off the break, the van would start to slide. So, I had a van full of children, and I couldn't do anything to help myself ~ I couldn't even get out of the van to go get Levi to rescue me! After honking the horn for him, and then sending in Logan, Levi came out and started working to get me unstuck. We (Levi) tried ashes on the snow, we tried digging ruts for traction, we tried kitty litter under the tires. Nothing worked. At this point, I was getting *extremely* frustrated. And then my phone rang. It was my Beloved. I was, to say the least, short with him. Completely, totally, un-fairly short. It certainly wasn't his fault that I was stuck, and it wasn't as if he could do anything about it. But, I still took my frustration out on him. :-( Levi ended up putting the chains on so that we could drive the last 100-200 feet to the top of the drive, and after getting back into town where I had some real reception, I called Mike back and apologized for being such a stinker to him.

I have been really convicted about my tendancy to do this type of thing. It seems as though I live my life in a reactionary way, instead of purposefully, thoughtfully living. I let myself get carried on my emotions and not only does my Beloved pay for it, my children do as well. But what kind of a legacy am I leaving? If I were to die today, what memories would fill my Beloved's mind? Would it be of a wife who loved and adored him ~ and made every effort to make sure he knew, or would it be of a wife who was *itchy every time things weren't *just so*? What would my children's memories be? If it were my Beloved who died, would I be able to rest in how I treated him, and came alongside of him, or would I be guilt-ridden because of how I tended to treat him?

I want to "live like I was dyin'", as the song goes. Not in a self-interest sort of way, but in a way that glorifies God, and in a way that cherishes those around me. Not a one of us is guaranteed the next moment, let alone tomorrow or next year, how are we living? I want to look back on my life with as few as regrets as possible. Obviously, I'm not going to live a perfect life, but I want to strive to live as pure and righteous a life as possible ~ and to be sure to make amends when I don't. I thank God that I don't have to attempt that on my own power! May our dear Lord give us each the strength to live as if each moment is our last~making those moments count for Him and those we love.

1 comment:

Molly said...

I'm truly enjoying your blog! I think you are accomplishing your purpose, of encouraging and challenging us. I so appreciate when women share honestly, from the heart. We all struggle with issues like this one, and it is wonderful when a woman is willing to admit it, and keep trying to honor her husband and her Lord, rather than put on the "I'm perfect" face. Thanks for sharing. I'll be back later when I have more time to read :-))